The Exorcism of Clyde Donovan
by Walter Bryan Cranston White
Summary: For the last few stories Clyde has had someone in his body named O'Malley and it's high time he got rid of it for good


South Park elementary.

The Principal's office.

PC Principal: What has gotten into you Donovan? Why did you beat up Scott Malkinson?

Clyde: PC Principal, it wasn't me.

Mr Mackey: We caught the whole thing on tape mmkay. There's no way you can lie yourself out of this one.

Clyde: Look I know it looked like me, but I couldn't control myself.

Mr Mackey: What do you mean mmkay?

Clyde: The reason why I beat up Scott Malkinson is because I suffer multiple personality disorder.

PC Principal: Donavan! Are you mocking people who suffer mental disabilities?!

O'Malley: Shut up fool!

(A/N: O'Malley is Clyde's evil side)

PC Principal: You got a fucking problem Donovan?

O'Malley: Shut up! Your culture is too sensitive. You think you're trying to save America but all you do is whine like massive babies! And also crush puss! Because of you we can't have the right to speak and you didn't do anything to stop a fucking Gender war! PC Principal, more like PC incompetent!

PC Principal was shocked.

PC Principal: Donavan! You have two months detention!

Clyde: I swear to God PC Principal-

PC Principal: Enough lies Donovan!

Roger (Clyde's father) enters the office.

Roger: Something wrong PC Principal?

PC Principal: Mr Donovan. Your son thought it was a good idea to beat up a student who suffers diabetes.

Roger: Did he have any control over it?

Mr Mackey: He claimed he didn't mmkay.

Roger: Oh my God! Clyde, when are you gonna have control over O'Malley?

Clyde: Dad, I keep trying but O'Malley only gets stronger.

O'Malley: That's right fools! Mwha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

PC Principal: So your son does suffer multiple personality disorder?

Roger: I'm afraid yes.

PC Principal: Clyde, I am so sorry for not believing in you. It was very un-PC of me and-

O'Malley: Oh put a sock up your ass. And go and fuck Caitlyn Jenner!

Roger: O'Malley!

O'Malley: And you're gonna die alone. You have no wife who's gonna be at your side at your death bed!

Clyde: O'Malley stop!

O'Malley: You can't make me, since I have control of your body!

Suddenly Clyde punched himself in the face.

PC Principal, Mr Mackey and Roger watched on in shock.

Clyde continued to punch himself, causing him to have a nose bleed.

Clyde than grabbed his head and started to bang his head on the wall repeatedly.

Clyde: You're killing me!

O'Malley: A risk I'm willing to take!

Clyde threw himself out of the office into the hallway.

Clyde grabbed his head again and started to bang his head on a locker.

Clyde: Stop this now!

O'Malley: Fine! Since I need your pathetic body!

Clyde collapsed in the middle of the hallway.

Hell's Pass hospital.

Clyde was lying on the bed.

Clyde woke up.

Clyde: Where am I?

Doctor: You're at the hospital. You've been hurt really bad.

Roger: You're gonna be ok son.

Clyde: I don't know about that Dad. I'm sick of having O'Malley.

Roger: Look son. It's multiple personality disorder. It doesn't go away.

Clyde: But Fight Club has Edward Norton shoot himself in the mouth and that somehow got rid of Brad Pitt.

Roger: Son that was a movie. I doubt it'll work in real life.

Clyde: But I need to try.

Roger: Clyde Donavan I will not allow it! We will have to see a therapist.

Psychiatric Ward.

Dr Hector: Alright Clyde. How does O'Malley make you feel?

(A/N: Read Couples Therapy so you know who Dr Hector is)

Clyde: O'Malley is a monster. He only cares about causing pain to people and he doesn't care who.

Dr Hector: When did O'Malley show up?

Clyde: He kind of showed up during the battle for the Stick of Truth.

Dr Hector: The Stick of Truth?

Clyde: It was like this stick of ultimate power. Anyway, I wasn't fully taken over by O'Malley but I felt like I was being controlled by someone else.

Dr Hector: And did he continue to show up?

Clyde: O'Malley just disappeared after the Stick of Truth. Until he came back to destroy Game of Thrones. O'Malley was the one who wrote the Game of Thrones finale and started the war between Game of Thrones fans in South Park. I thought he was done with me, until he came back. He tried to make the war continue, but the script which was his unbearable creation, was destroyed. And than after that he just came back. He never went away for a while he just stayed.

Dr Hector: So O'Malley created the Game of Thrones finale?

Clyde: Yes.

Dr Hector: Can I speak to O'Malley?

Clyde: Hold on. O'Malley, this therapist wants to speak to you.

O'Malley: We're sharing the same body fool, I can hear him loud and clear.

Dr Hector: You son of a bitch!

Dr Hector started strangling Clyde.

Dr Hector: This is what you get for ruining the greatest TV show of all time!

Clyde (Choking): He's gone! He's gone!

Dr Hector stopped strangling Clyde.

Dr Hector: Sorry, that was really unprofessional of me.

Clyde: What the fuck you almost killed me?!

Dr Hector: Sorry, the Game of Thrones finale really pissed me off. Did he by any chance create the finales to Dexter, Lost and The Sopranos?

O'Malley: What the fuck are those shows?!

Dr Hector: I guess not.

O'Malley: Well do you wanna speak to me?

Dr Hector: Now O'Malley. Would you care to tell me what your origins are?

O'Malley: Why are you a therapist Dr Hector?

Dr Hector: I'm sorry?

O'Malley: Why are you a therapist?

Dr Hector: Because I wanted to help people.

O'Malley: Not just that. You're doing it because it relaxes you, because you're hiding a dark secret.

Dr Hector: What do you mean?

O'Malley: You killed your girlfriend on accident and it filled you with guilt for a while. Until you did something that relaxes you, therapy. Helping poor souls like you. And you forgot about you killing your girlfriend until now!

Dr Hector sat in shock.

Dr Hector: Mr Donavan get out!

Clyde: But it wasn't me.

Dr Hector: I don't care get out!

Clyde left the office.

Outside the office.

Roger: So I'm assuming it didn't go well.

Clyde: O'Malley just kept ruining it. He than told some dark story about Dr Hector accidentally killing his girlfriend. I hope he's ok.

Suddenly the sound of a gunshot was heard.

Clyde and Roger were startled.

When they opened the door they found him lying on the floor and he wasn't breathing.

Dr Hector had blood oozing from the back of his neck.

O'Malley: I made him shoot himself in the mouth! Mu Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha aha Ha!

Roger: Alright O'Malley, I've had it!

O'Malley: What are you gonna do about it? I'll have you know that your son isn't suffering multiple personality disorder. I've actually possessed his body!

Clyde: What?!

Roger: Huh?

O'Malley: I'm not a person living inside his head, I'm something else entirely.

Roger: Oh my God!

O'Malley: That's right!

Roger: Get out of my son! Now!

Roger started to shake Clyde.

Roger: Get out of my son!

Roger slapped Clyde.

Clyde: Ow Dad! What the fuck?!

Roger: Sorry Clyde.

Clyde: What are we gonna do about O'Malley?

Roger: There's only one thing we can do.

After at the Donovan residence.

Roger was sitting down on the couch reading a newspaper.

There was a knock on his door.

Roger answered it and Father Maxi stood out on front.

Roger: Father thank you for coming on such short notice.

Father Maxi: My pleasure Mr Donovan.

Randy suddenly popped out from a bush.

Randy: Your pleasure to touch a boys penis.

Randy laughed.

Roger: Goddamnit Randy this is serious.

Father Maxi: Is this some sort of joke?

Roger: Father, I swear to God I never intended this to happen.

Father Maxi: You better not have. Come on let's see this boy.

Stephen Stotch suddenly popped out of a bush.

Stephen: Correction, lets see this boy's penis.

Randy and Stephen laughed.

Randy: Good one Stephen.

Roger: Is there anyone else here to make priest jokes?!

Ryan (Jimmy's Dad), Steve (Token's Dad), Thomas (Craig's Dad), Richard (Tweek's Dad) and Stuart McCormick popped out of some bushes.

Father Maxi: And how did you know I was coming over?

Suddenly Harrison Yates pops out of a bush.

Yates: Coming over to touch a little boy.

Everyone (Except Father Maxi and Roger) laughed.

Roger closed the door.

Roger: Look Father Maxi again, thank you for coming.

Father Maxi: Well you didn't tell me what you wanted me for.

Roger: Father, have you ever done an exorcism?

Father Maxi: Why ask that?

Roger: Well I-

Father Maxi: Are you assuming just because I'm a priest I can perform exorcisms?

Suddenly Mr Mackey came out behind the couch.

Mr Mackey: No. He's assuming you can give your boy a good time mmkay.

Mr Mackey laughs.

Mr Mackey: Hey did anyone else hear that?

Randy than showed up behind the book case.

Randy: I sure did.

Roger: I don't know how you two got in. Get the fuck out!

Roger pushed Randy and Mr Mackey out of the house.

After Roger did that, he closed the door and locked it.

Roger: Again I'm sorry about that.

Father Maxi: Like I said, what made you think I could perform exorcisms?

Roger: Because I heard a rumour before you moved here, you performed an exorcism in Connecticut.

Father Maxi: I did. And it worked. Although I haven't done it for 10 years, so I might be rusty.

Randy knocked on the window.

Randy: Rusty on touching little boys.

Roger closed the curtain.

Roger: Do you want me to give you time Father?

Father Maxi: I'm gonna need some time.

Stephen knocked on the other window.

Stephen: Time to jack off about little boys.

Roger closed the curtain.

6 minutes later.

Father Maxi: I'm ready.

Maxi crossed his heart.

Roger and Maxi stood still preparing for a priest joke.

Roger: I guess they gave up.

They enter Clyde's room.

They enter to see Clyde strapped to his bed.

Clyde: Dad this is kind of unnecessary.

Roger: Son this is for your own good.

Father Maxi: I'm glad you strapped him to his bed.

O'Malley: Awwwww! I had an act where I was gonna float in the air. I even strapped some wires on my wrist.

Roger uses his scissors to cut the wires.

Father Maxi: Mr Donovan, I wish to be left alone with him.

Randy showed up hanging from the window.

Randy: To give him a good time.

Randy laughed.

Roger: That's it!

Roger grabbed his shotgun.

Roger: This is serious! If anyone else makes another joke, I will use this!

Randy: Oh shit!

Randy fell.

Roger: I will leave you two alone.

Roger left the room.

Father Maxi: So I'm assuming this is O'Malley.

O'Malley: To quote the great Heisenberg "You're goddamn right"

Father Maxi: Where are you from O'Malley?

O'Malley: From the 7th layer of hell! AKA Alabama!

Father Maxi: What the hell is wrong with Alabama?!

O'Malley Awwwww! Maxi's been a bad Christian! He spouted blasphemy!

Father Maxi: Oh Goddamnit!

O'Malley: Oh! You did it again!

Father Maxi: Oh my...Gosh you are rude!

O'Malley: Do you love Jesus?

Father Maxi: Well of course I do.

O'Malley: If you love him so much, why don't you suck him? Or fuck him?

Father Maxi: O'Malley!

O'Malley: Or maybe I'm wrong, you wanna suck God's cock.

Father Maxi sat in shock.

O'Malley laughed.

Father Maxi: Why this little boy O'Malley?

O'Malley: I chose him when I escaped my home.

Father Maxi: And I'm assuming it's hell?

O'Malley: You can call it that if you want.

Father Maxi: Uh Huh. O'Malley, what made you choose Clyde?

O'Malley: I have no idea why I chose this pathetic little boy.

Father Maxi: O'Malley, will you leave his body?

O'Malley: Give me time to think...no!

Father Maxi: Why?

O'Malley: Because you'll just send me back to Hell and I won't be able to spread chaos.

Father Maxi: Than you leave me no choice.

Maxi pulled a tiny bottle from his pocket.

O'Malley: What the fuck is that?

Father Maxi: Holy water. It hurts demons.

Maxi starts throwing the holy water onto Clyde.

O'Malley: Look if you wanted to feed me the holy water I'll allow it.

Father Maxi: This usually hurts the demons. Well time to go for the one that obviously doesn't fail.

Maxi pulled a cross out of his pocket and presented it to Clyde.

Father Maxi: I cast you out! Unclean Spirit!

O'Malley: Well I haven't taken a bath in three days.

Father Maxi: In the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ! It is he who commands you! It is he who flung you from the gates of Heaven to the depths of Hell!

O'Malley: I wasn't really thrown out by Jesus.

Father Maxi: Be gone!

O'Malley: This is sounding familiar.

Father Maxi: From this creature of God! Be gone! In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!

O'Malley: So we're quoting The Exorcist now? I think we're getting to the best quote.

Father Maxi and O'Malley. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Silence fell.

Roger entered the room.

Roger: Did it work?

Father Maxi: Well the demon would've left after I said those words.

O'Malley: They didn't work asshole! You were just quoting The Exorcist!

Father Maxi: It worked on my last exorcism.

Roger: But it thought demons from Hell can't stand exorcisms.

O'Malley: I'm not from Hell you fool!

Father Maxi: Than why did you say you were?

O'Malley: I meant metaphorically! I'm from the City of R'Lyeh!

Father Maxi: Huh?

O'Malley: The home place of my master, although I wish he wasn't. Cthulhu.

Father Maxi: Oh. So your followers are in the Cult of Cthulhu?

O'Malley: Well they follow that bitch! Yeah!

Father Maxi: Sorry I only handle Hell spawns.

Roger: There has to be something you can do father.

Father Maxi: I can't exorcise him. It's power is beyond mine.

Roger: Please Maxi.

Father Maxi: I don't know, ask someone who is an expert on this stuff. But for now, this child isn't clean.

Randy: Especially his penis.

Father Maxi and Roger: Shut up Randy!

The next day.

South Park Elementary.

The cafeteria.

Kyle's place was taken by Scott Malkinson.

Scott: It's such a shame Kyle became goth.

(A/N: Read Darkened)

Stan: Kyle's been goth for three weeks Scott, I doubt he'll come back.

Scott: Am I the only one who thinks it's strange that you guys only invite me when the others aren't available?

Clyde sat down.

Cartman: So how did it go with the priest? Did he give you a nice time?

Clyde punched Cartman off the his seat.

O'Malley: Shut up fool!

Clyde: Does that answer your question?

Clyde frowned.

Stan: Alright, guys we should leave Clyde alone until O'Malley is gone. But for now, I don't really wanna sit with a monster.

Token: I agree.

Stan, Token, Jimmy, Scott, Kenny and Butters left the table.

Cartman got up.

Cartman: So they finally listened to my idea?

Clyde started to make sniffing sounds.

Clyde (Crying): I want O'Malley gone.

Cartman: Oh, here we go again! Everybody Clyde's complaining about O'Malley again!

Kevin Stoley: Ok!

Clyde (Crying): I just wished he went back to the city of R'Lyeh.

Cartman: Wait, say that again.

Clyde: O'Malley said he came from the city of R'Lyeh.

Cartman: Oh my God! Clyde, I think I know some people who might help.

Clyde: Why do you wanna help me?

Cartman: Because I want my Clyde back, O'Malley just made me afraid of you.

Clyde: Wow!

Cartman: Yeah.

O'Malley: You tried to humiliate my pathetic body, now I'll return the favour. Hey everybody, something scares Cartman.

Everyone laughs.

Cartman: O'Malley you asshole!

The school car park.

The Goth kids were smoking.

Cartman and Clyde show up.

Cartman: Hey! Stupid fags!

Kyle: What do you want you fat conformist?

Cartman: Shut up Khal! You Jewish fag!

Kyle: First of all, it's Edgar. And secondly I'm with the Cult of Cthulhu.

Cartman: Yeah! That's interesting. Anyway, you guys are experts on the city of R'Lyeh.

Michael: The home place of Cthulhu, yeah why?

Cartman: Because this pussy conformist has a being from the city of R'Lyeh inside his body.

Firkle: Why should we really help you?

Cartman: Because I have 40 packs of cigarettes hidden in my locker.

Pete: Deal.

Henrietta: Alright, meet me at my place when we feel like it.

Biggle residence.

Clyde: So what do you guys know about demons of city of R'Lyeh?

Michael: The demons from the city of R'yeh when they are in spiritual form possess people like demons from Hell.

Clyde: And?

Michael: And what?

Clyde: Anything else?

Michael: We just told you what we know.

Clyde: But how do they get here?

O'Malley: I came into your pathetic Earth when your pathetic race drilled a hole into the Gulf of Mexico and that was when I possessed your pathetic body.

Pete: And I'm assuming you're O'Malley?

O'Malley: Yes you emo!

Pete: What did you call me?

Firkle: Oh boy!

Kyle: You're fucked Clyde/O'Malley.

Clyde: Is there a way I can get rid of him.

Henrietta: We didn't actually study that part.

Clyde: Huh? Why?

Michael: We usually study stuff about dark stuff online, but we never bothered to-

Henrietta: About 55 results.

Henrietta was on her phone.

Pete: Huh?

Henrietta: 55 results. It says there have been no recorded possessions of demons from R'Lyeh. Except one.

Cartman: Indulge us.

Henrietta: It says it happened in Scotland over 24 years ago. Some teenage girl was possessed by a demon who claimed to be from the city of R'Lyeh. Every priest from every religion tried to exorcise her and failed. Except one, a couple named Thomas and Nelle McElroy used their own kind of exorcism to get rid of the demon and placed the demon into a pot roast and sent it to some family called the Larsons.

Cartman: Thomas and Nelle McElroy? Where have I heard that name?

Cartman residence.

Liane was sitting on the couch reading a book and Cartman walked in.

Cartman: Mom! Do we know Thomas and Nelle McElroy?

Liane: They're Chef's parents poopsikins. Why ask?

Cartman: Of course. They exorcised some dead kid out of my body.

McElroy residence.

Roger: You sure this'll work Cartman.

Cartman: Why? Don't you trust me?

Roger: Well your Mom's a whore and you tried to start a second holocaust. So I shouldn't trust you.

Cartman: Fuck you Donovan! I'm trying to help your son!

Cartman knocked on the door.

Thomas answered.

Thomas: Eric Cartman?

Cartman: Hey.

Nelle: Who's at the door Thomas?

Thomas: It's little Eric Cartman.

Nelle: Who?

Thomas: Chef's little fat friend.

Nelle: Oh that's right.

Cartman: Ay! I'm not fat you-

Thomas: Please come in.

Cartman, Roger and Clyde enter the house.

Thomas: So what brings you all out to Scotland?

Roger: Look Mr McElroy. My son as demon inside him.

Thomas: What kind?

Roger: The city of R'Lyeh.

Thomas: Oh boy. Nelle, we got another city of R'Lyeh demon.

Nelle: Oh no. Not those city of R'Lyeh demons.

O'Malley: Yes those city of R'Lyeh demons! You cannot torture me!

Clyde: You will stay!

O'Malley: No I will not!

Clyde was punching himself.

Thomas: Stop it demon!

Roger: O'Malley!

O'Malley: Shut up you father of a Mommy killer!

Clyde continued to best himself up.

Nelle: We got to stop him!

Thomas: Nelle, get the weapon.

Nelle: Alright Thomas.

Nelle got her purse out and pulled out tree-fiddy.

Thomas: Hey demon! We got tree-fiddy!

Cartman: I don't think that-

O'Malley: Tree-fiddy!

Clyde ran to Nelle.

Cartman knocked out Clyde.

Cartman: There we go.

Minutes later.

Clyde was strapped to a bed.

Clyde: Not again.

Thomas: Now Clyde this is for your own good. Nelle prepare the ritual.

Nelle entered the room in her ritual costume.

Nelle: Na kamaa karash meh nah. Na kamaa karash meh nah. Na kamaa karash meh nah.

Nelle hit Clyde.

O'Malley: Ow! What am I to you? A Whack-A-fool?

Nelle hits Clyde with her stick.

Thomas: In the name of all that is holy we demand this spirit be set free!

Clyde screamed as the purple light started to escape his body.

Roger: It's working.

Thomas: It's coming out! It's coming out! Alright, bring the victim child.

Roger: Victim child?

Thomas: Well you have a victim child right?

Nelle: Oh. They forgot the victim child.

Cartman: Oh shit! We forgot Butters!

At an airport.

Butters was standing in the middle of the terminal.

Butters: Well they bought me to Scotland for some reason. But I have no idea why they abandoned me.

Back at the McElroy residence.

The purple light escaped Clyde and flew out of the window.

Thomas: It's gone!

Nelle: Do you want me to get the tree-fiddy?

Thomas: The tree-fiddy won't work. It's long gone.

Roger unstrapped Clyde from the bed and hugged him.

Roger: Are you alright Clyde?

Cartman: Yes Clyde are you?

Clyde's voice went raspy.

Clyde: Shut up fool!

Cartman screamed.

Clyde's voice went back to normal.

Clyde: Ha! Got you fat ass!

Cartman punched Clyde.

Cartman: You motherfucker!

Clyde started crying.

Cartman: Well it's good to know that my Clyde's back.

School cafeteria.

Stan: Clyde, we're sorry we-

Clyde: Dudes. It's fine.

Token: Well it's great to have you back dude.

Clyde: Thanks Token.

Jimmy: Why do I-I-I feel like something's missing?

Kenny: You mean Kyle?

Stan: No I think there's something else that's missing.

They sat thinking.

Cartman: Oh shit! We left Butters in Scotland.

Back at the Scottish airport.

Butters was still standing at the terminal.

Butters: I've been here for three days. Where the heck are they?

Back in America.

Cartman: He'll be fine.

Token: So what about O'Malley?

Clyde: We don't know. He could be anywhere, waiting for the right moment to possess someone else.

The school car park.

The Goths were once again smoking and drinking coffee.

Henrietta threw her cup of Starbucks coffee at PC Principal.

PC Principal: Biggle that is three weeks detention for you!

Henrietta: Suck my goth tits! You PC conformist!

PC Principal: And that's four weeks detention!

PC Principal walked off.

Kyle was smoking when all of a sudden, some purple gas entered his mouth.

Kyle started to choke.

Michale: Edgar. You ok?

Kyle stopped choking.

Kyle: I'm fine fool.

Pete: Um ok. You just choked for a second.

Kyle: Thank you captain obvious.

Pete: God I wish PC Principal's car blew up.

PC Principal was about to enter his car when all of a sudden, it blew up and PC Principal was affected by the blast.

Pete: Whoah! My wish came true.

Kyle just did a sinister grin at the sight and his eyes turned pitch black.


End file.
